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2025-01-05 01:44It's been a few days since I received my unfortunate news.
I've been looking. I've been sending emails. I've been texting and making calls and posting on boards and browsing websites, and affordable housing is almost nonexistent. There just isn't enough of it for all the people who need it, and someone I spoke to chuckled and said "Honey, when someone is lucky enough to get into one of those units, they never leave."
My roommate seems slightly troubled by it. Not just the thought that I can't find anything, but having asked me to move out in the first place. As it is, we consider one another to be almost siblings. We have been close for many years and have been present in some of the biggest, most dramatic moments of each others' lives. He is worried that this will damage our relationship, and that we will no longer be as close. I assured him that I am not angry or resentful, just stressed. He's looked into a lot of leads for me, I can't say he hasn't tried to be helpful. I'm still not sure whether it was his desire for me to move out, or his fiancee's.
I just wish I had more time. I understand why I don't.
I do have one lead, and it seems like it could be a pretty solid one, but I don't want to talk about it until I know more. My heart can't take any jinx-ing.
My mother insists that if I have nowhere else to go, I can head up to Washington and move in with her and my step-dad. While I accept and appreciate the fact that I do technically have one place that I could go, and that I wouldn't be allowed to become well and truly homeless, I don't think I can adequately explain just what kind of psychological stress it would put me under to live under the same roof as my mother again. I have made too much progress in therapy to suffer so great a setback.
Aside from my searches, I just have to keep on keeping on. I still live here, for now. I've still got to go to work, and do chores, and feed myself. I will admit that it feels less like this is my home, and more like I'm a guest, just staying here until I get wherever I'm going. They haven't really engaged me in much conversation over the past few days, and I admit I've been avoiding them somewhat, spending more time cooped up in my bedroom or putting my headphones on when I'm in the living room.
He is usually so good about letting me know, many days in advance, when we will have company; I need time to tidy and clean the bathroom all the guests use, and maybe make plans to make myself scarce. Instead, I found out while happening to hear him on the phone with his mother that his family is coming over tomorrow. They're going to cook a big meal and work on wedding planning and play some games, and he didn't even bother to tell me. The irrational part of me wants to be suspicious and crazy, like, is he treating me differently to make me feel like I don't belong anymore, so I'll try harder to leave sooner? No, most likely not. Most likely I am feeling worried and scared and hurt, and it's all in my head. Again.
Reminder: I need to make an appointment with my therapist.
My girlfriend and I have discussed moving in together, potentially. We want to. It would be an enormous change for me, moving across the country like that, and for her, standing up to past relationship traumas and trusting herself to live with a partner again. She lives with her family, and her parents have offered me their basement (which sounds grim, but it's a really big, clean space, and I love darkness anyway haha). We do both want to take another step in our relationship, but if I can find something here, it will buy us a little more time to keep growing and saving money and readying ourselves for the next step without feeling rushed or that we're only doing it out of need and not because we're ready.
Anyway. Thanks for all the support and kind words, guys.
There are several events happening right now that I'd really love to sign up for, but I just have too much going on right now and I'll have to pass on really anything creative until I've figured out what I'm doing and where I'm going, and probably until I've settled into my new home.
I've been looking. I've been sending emails. I've been texting and making calls and posting on boards and browsing websites, and affordable housing is almost nonexistent. There just isn't enough of it for all the people who need it, and someone I spoke to chuckled and said "Honey, when someone is lucky enough to get into one of those units, they never leave."
My roommate seems slightly troubled by it. Not just the thought that I can't find anything, but having asked me to move out in the first place. As it is, we consider one another to be almost siblings. We have been close for many years and have been present in some of the biggest, most dramatic moments of each others' lives. He is worried that this will damage our relationship, and that we will no longer be as close. I assured him that I am not angry or resentful, just stressed. He's looked into a lot of leads for me, I can't say he hasn't tried to be helpful. I'm still not sure whether it was his desire for me to move out, or his fiancee's.
I just wish I had more time. I understand why I don't.
I do have one lead, and it seems like it could be a pretty solid one, but I don't want to talk about it until I know more. My heart can't take any jinx-ing.
My mother insists that if I have nowhere else to go, I can head up to Washington and move in with her and my step-dad. While I accept and appreciate the fact that I do technically have one place that I could go, and that I wouldn't be allowed to become well and truly homeless, I don't think I can adequately explain just what kind of psychological stress it would put me under to live under the same roof as my mother again. I have made too much progress in therapy to suffer so great a setback.
Aside from my searches, I just have to keep on keeping on. I still live here, for now. I've still got to go to work, and do chores, and feed myself. I will admit that it feels less like this is my home, and more like I'm a guest, just staying here until I get wherever I'm going. They haven't really engaged me in much conversation over the past few days, and I admit I've been avoiding them somewhat, spending more time cooped up in my bedroom or putting my headphones on when I'm in the living room.
He is usually so good about letting me know, many days in advance, when we will have company; I need time to tidy and clean the bathroom all the guests use, and maybe make plans to make myself scarce. Instead, I found out while happening to hear him on the phone with his mother that his family is coming over tomorrow. They're going to cook a big meal and work on wedding planning and play some games, and he didn't even bother to tell me. The irrational part of me wants to be suspicious and crazy, like, is he treating me differently to make me feel like I don't belong anymore, so I'll try harder to leave sooner? No, most likely not. Most likely I am feeling worried and scared and hurt, and it's all in my head. Again.
Reminder: I need to make an appointment with my therapist.
My girlfriend and I have discussed moving in together, potentially. We want to. It would be an enormous change for me, moving across the country like that, and for her, standing up to past relationship traumas and trusting herself to live with a partner again. She lives with her family, and her parents have offered me their basement (which sounds grim, but it's a really big, clean space, and I love darkness anyway haha). We do both want to take another step in our relationship, but if I can find something here, it will buy us a little more time to keep growing and saving money and readying ourselves for the next step without feeling rushed or that we're only doing it out of need and not because we're ready.
Anyway. Thanks for all the support and kind words, guys.
There are several events happening right now that I'd really love to sign up for, but I just have too much going on right now and I'll have to pass on really anything creative until I've figured out what I'm doing and where I'm going, and probably until I've settled into my new home.
